slept over at brens last night. i was high and anxious and she had a mini breakdown about her body image/food issues/etc. i wish there was something i could do to take this all away from her. if i could take everything she felt onto myself, i would in an instant. she’s such a beautiful, amazing person and she doesn’t deserve this at all. stayed up til 5 am hah. felt really bad i kept her up that late, but the thought of being awake along made me panic. i felt so out of control and i was scared of what i might do, really scared. but it all turned out okay. she’s going back into restricting and fasting though.. and that really worries me. partially because she’s setting herself up for a binge and i know how hard that is on her and i don’t want her to go through that, and also because i’m scared she wont stop this time. it was nearly a week last time.. what if she goes longer? and i don’t doubt she could/would. and then there’s the small fact of how incredibly disgusting jealous i will be when she drops a bunch of weight extremely quickly, but i’m ignoring that part. this isn’t about me, and i’m not giving into my idiotic selfish self anymore. this is not a competition, fuck.

this have gotten so bad lately.. so, so bad. i don’t even know what to do. i just want to die all the time. i feel so alone.. which sounds really stupid and cliche to say but i do. i’m sure everyone hates me now, brenna hates me now, or at least she’s sick of all my bullshit, i’ve pushed emily way away, and shala.. well, she always hates me, and jon is scaring me and cassie i’ve distanced myself from completely and kristianna too and mariah and ugh. i just feel like i have nobody anymore. and more and more i think to the rope and the rafters in my garage and i just want to do it. i’m going to do it. nine days til new york… should i go before? i don’t think i can last until after..

fuck. i just wish i wasn’t like this. i wish i was stronger and more capable and able to handle these things but i can’t. i can’t handle my problems, i can’t handle anyone elses. and it’s driving me crazy. i just need to get out of here.. 

i’ve been sitting here waiting and praying that someone will come along and save me. love all my darkness out of me, or something nice like that. but it’s nothing going to happen, and i’m not going to keep waiting. i can’t. i just have to make sure i do something to ensure brenna doesn’t blame herself… how can i do that?

that hurt a little more than it should have. i already hate myself for it.. so much. please, don’t you hate me for it too.

i’ve been smoking oxy 4-10 times a day everyday for a while now.. i’m scaring myself.

how long until i’m addicted? how long til it’s too late?

brenna went to the doctor, she was honest, got referred to an eating disorder clinic in delta and is getting put on prozac. first off, i am so so happy and proud of her for doing that. she’s honestly the bravest girl i know. i really hope that she can start turning her life around and getting back to her old self, because i know how hard this has been on her. i want to see her legitimately happy again, not like this. she deserves so much better. ahh, i really hope things go well for her. 

second off. whatthefuck. she can go to the doctor, tell them how she feels and suddenly “oh here, have some prozac.” when she’s not even sure if she WANTS it. i go, tell my doctor i’m suicidally depressed, explain everything, how i want to die, i feel hopeless, i have no energy, i cut myself, etc. and i get “go work on your drug problem and maybe i’ll do something for you later.” I JUST TOLD YOU I WANNA KILL MYSELF, YOU FUCK. i can’t just FIX MY FUCKING DRUG PROBLEM when i want to die and i hate myself more than anyone can understand. i need medication, to keep me from suicide long enough to fix the fucking drug problem. and nobody is even gonna do anything. they’re all gonna let me die.

well, fuckers, i can work with that.

god, i asked for a medication, told him i couldn’t handle it, and nothing. i get nothing. i get put on a waiting list, pushed a little closer to the day i end it all myself.

i don’t get it. 

oh right. only people who actually have a purpose, use, meaning, are somewhat decent get helped. people like me, who smoke oxy’s in their bedroom and get high for days on end, we don’t. we die, rope around our necks, and then everyone looks back with a face contorted into mock sadness, claiming how much they loved us and wondering “why didn’t she reach out? she was such a nice girl.” while the ones who actually matter regard our last days with relief that it wasn’t them.

i hate everything. it doesn’t matter, nothing does i hate being here

maybe i should do it tonight

chase the dragon for a few hours then leap off my roof, down to the cement, cracked bones, bloody mess

and it will be over. 

finally.